I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
