I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize