I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize