ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
