I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
