so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
