It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
