I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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