im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
