So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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