I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
