Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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