If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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