im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think I am morally bankrupt
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
