We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
