I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
