i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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