I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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