I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
