Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
