i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
