"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
