It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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