He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
