We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
