Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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