dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
