If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
