Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
All I want is dick and wine.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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