im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize