You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
