Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
