just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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