You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
