we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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