Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
