how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
did i walk over a car last night?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
