Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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