one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
