I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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