I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
