You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
