Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize