We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
