So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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