Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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