Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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