I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
