dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
