Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
