I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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