If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
