My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
