I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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